Whether you’re a first-time parent or have kids already, one thing is certain — you love your children and would do anything for them. But there’s a lot of noise about how to do this parenting thing “right” — so how do you determine what to tune out and what to tune into?
Tuning in to your infant’s needs is really at the core of attachment theory.
What Is Attachment Theory?
An attachment is an emotional bond that forms between people.(1) We create bonds with all types of people throughout our lifetime — friends, loved ones, and family. Evolutionarily, attachment serves a purpose. An infant who stays physically close to her primary caregiver is generally more likely to survive.(2)
Children naturally seek closeness with their attachment figures to feel safe and be soothed. Infants especially need trustworthy adults to feel a sense of well-being and safety.(3)
Think of a time in your own life when you were particularly distressed and you reached out to someone for comfort. Knowing someone was there for you was soothing, right?
It’s the same thing for babies. It’s soothing to be seen.
We aren’t born with the ability to self-regulate — this is a behavior learned from caregivers.(4)
When an adult responds appropriately to an infant’s needs, secure attachment becomes possible. A baby is more likely to securely attach to someone who responds to their needs with sensitivity, calm and regularity. Lack of consistency and responsiveness is very distressing, especially for infants.
You can follow every trick in the book — breastfeeding, skin to skin contact, co-sleeping situations — there’s so much parenting advice out there, it can be hard to know what’s what! But at the end of the day, the most important thing is the relationship you’re forming with your baby. And tuning in to your infant’s needs is crucial to developing a secure attachment.
Biological parents aren’t the only ones a baby can securely attach to. A secure attachment can be formed with a mom, a dad, an aunt, a grandparent — however your family looks, forming secure attachment is possible.
The Four Attachment Styles
Psychologists Bowlby and Ainsworth developed a theory that there are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.(5)
1. Secure Attachment
If a child is brought up in an environment where the caregiver is responsive and attuned to their emotional needs, a secure attachment is formed. The child learns that if they need something, someone will be there for them. Their needs are met and their emotions are acknowledged, so they feel supported and loved, and learn they can trust others. If the infant has a safe, predictable, attuned relationship with at least one caregiver, neural structures in the brain that contribute to infant well-being will form.(6) This doesn’t mean mistakes won’t be made! But if a parent does misinterpret an infant’s cue — trying to feed them when they want a nap, for example — it doesn’t mean a secure attachment won’t form. The parent just has to make a repair attempt and try again to understand their baby’s needs.
2. Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is formed when a parent or caregiver is intrusive, inconsistent, or misattuned.(7) Sometimes they’re responsive to the infant’s needs, sometimes they aren’t. The infant becomes confused and doesn’t know what to expect. Will someone be there when they cry and need soothing? Will they be fed when they’re hungry? Will they be changed when they’ve soiled their diaper and are uncomfortable? When a child becomes anxiously attached, they desire closeness, but they also have a fear of abandonment. This can cause issues later in life in their adult relationships. Researchers estimate that parents only have to understand their baby’s cues a third of the time for secure attachment to be possible.(8) So anxious attachment is more likely if there’s chronic misattunement or intrusiveness.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, happens when a parent is emotionally distant.(9) When the baby is crying or seeking connection, especially when they’re distressed, the parent rejects that bid for closeness. The parent might be irritable or emotionally rigid, so the infant learns not to seek comfort from others when they’re anxious. Over time, a person with avoidant attachment learns to be overly self-reliant. They become uncomfortable with closeness because they’ve learned it’s not safe to depend on others.
4. Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is formed when a child depends on someone who also scares them. It’s often found when parents physically, emotionally, or sexually abuse their children.(10) But that kind of trauma doesn’t have to be present for this type of attachment to form. Chaotic (but not necessarily abusive) dynamics can also cause disorganized attachment. With disorganized attachment, the caregiver is unpredictable and frightening, so the child learns being close to others is unsafe.(10)
How to Create Secure Attachment with Your Baby
You’re probably wondering how you can develop secure attachment with your infant. Here are five things you can do to promote secure attachment and wellbeing within your relationship.
1. Learn Their Cues
Pay attention to and learn your child’s cues. Every baby is different! What worked for your first born may not work for your second child. Think of yourself as a sensory sleuth trying to figure out what your baby is communicating with their facial expressions, movements, coos or cries. Understand when your baby needs to be held versus played with. Learn what kind of touch comforts them and what type of environment they enjoy. Do they like peace and quiet or soft music playing in the background? Do they want to be rocked when they’re fussy or is motion not comforting?(8) Have patience with yourself because learning these cues will take time! And remember, even if you get a cue wrong on the first guess, if you make an attempt to repair the disconnect and figure out what your baby needs, you can still be on track to building a secure attachment!(8)
2. Mirror Your Baby
Mirroring, playing with and laughing with your baby also help form secure attachment. Mirroring is a psychological term that means reflecting the affect, behavior or body language of another person.(11) So when you smile at your baby and she smiles back at you, you’re engaging in mirroring. Mirroring is so important for children because it gives them the experience of being seen and makes them feel validated.(12) Even though your infant won’t remember playing peek-a-boo with you, or how you giggled at her so she would giggle back, she will remember how you made her feel. Mothers who are securely attached mirror their infant twice as often as mothers who aren’t.(13)
3. Create a Mutual Relationship
Mirroring is part of creating a mutual relationship with your child. Don’t let the relationship be dominated by what you need — put what the baby needs first. Remember when I talked about intrusive behavior from the caregiver? If you’re initiating play with your infant when all she really wants and needs is to take a nap, that’s intrusive. You’re making it about your needs, not hers. And she probably won’t be much fun if she’s exhausted, anyway! Don’t be smothering. Go along with it when your baby initiates interactions or play. Creating a mutual relationship becomes more possible as you learn cues and get in tune with her. All of which comes with practice and time and the monitoring of your own needs.(14)
4. Do Your Own Internal Work
Taking care of yourself is so important when you have children. It may feel impossible to take care of your own needs when you have a newborn because you’re on constant sleep, feed, and diaper change duty. But as your children grow up, you may find yourself reflecting on how you were parented as a child and whether or not you want to parent your child the same way.(12) Doing your own internal homework can help you navigate the messages that were sent to you as a child by your parents and whether you want to send the same messages or say something different.(12) The more space you have to be present with your own experience, the more you’ll be able to be present with your child.(12) And learning about your own family of origin and attachment style can be useful when trying to figure out how to parent.
5. Be as Consistent as You Can
Respond to your baby’ distress as consistently as you can. Babies whose needs are met consistently are more likely to develop higher self-confidence and better self-image later in life. They learn they are respected, worthy, and lovable, which impacts their relationships and the way they navigate the world as they grow.(15) Research shows that children who form a secure attachment early in life score higher in agreeableness and conscientiousness and lower in neuroticism.(16) The reverse is also true. Children with insecure attachments early in life score higher in neuroticism and lower in agreeableness and conscientiousness.(16)
Interested in Learning More?
Check out this podcast episode on Attachment Theory. You’ll learn surprising facts about whether breastfeeding, natural birth, and taking space from your infant helps or hurts secure attachment. Plus so much more!
Equip yourself with knowledge and tools to help your child thrive. Subscribe here to the Genius Little Minds podcast so you never miss an episode!
References
Cherry, K. (2022, May). What is attachment theory? The importance of early emotional bonds. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
McCleod, S. (2017, February). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
(2021, April). Infants have mental health needs to. Mayo Health Clinic. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/infants-have-mental-health-needs-too
(2018, October). How emotional attunement can transform your relationships. Emotional Enhancement. https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/how-attunement-can-transform-your-relationships
Li, P. (2022, April). Attachment styles — how they affect your parenting. Parenting for Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/attachment-styles/
Li, P. (2022, April). Dismissive avoidant attachment — what it is, causes and signs. Parenting for Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/dismissive-avoidant-attachment/
(2022, February). Anxious attachment style: causes and symptoms. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/
Robinson, L., Saisan, J., Smith, M., Segal, J. (2020, October). Help Guide. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/building-a-secure-attachment-bond-with-your-baby.htm
(2015, April). Building a secure attachment with your baby. CAPPA https://cappa.net/2015/04/18/building-a-secure-attachment-with-baby/
Li, P. (2022, April). Disorganized attachment: understanding how it forms and how to heal. Parenting for Brain. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/disorganized-attachment/
(2013, October). How to parent with attunement and creativity. The Attached Family. http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=4214
Kim, S., Fonagy, P., Allen, J., Martinez, S., Iyengar, U., Strathearn, L. (2014). Mothers who are securely attached in pregnancy show more attuned infant mirroring 7 months postpartum. Infant Behavior and Development, 37(4) 491-504. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2014.06.002
(2016, May). Five ways to create a secure attachment with your baby, without sharing your bed. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/five-ways-to-create-a-secure-attachment-with-your-baby-without-sharing-your-bed#3
Cuddling does kids (and parents) good. Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. https://www.chla.org/blog/rn-remedies/cuddling-does-kids-and-parents-good
Young, E. S., Simpson, J. A., Griskevicius, V., Huelsnitz, C. O., & Fleck, C. (2019). Childhood attachment and adult personality: A life history perspective. Self and Identity, 18(1), 22–38. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2017.1353540