What Is a Temper Tantrum?

You’re a parent—you’ve seen it all. The arched back, the flailing fits, clenched fists, screaming, crying—toddler temper tantrums can be brutal, even though they are extremely common in kids age 1-3. They can also be embarrassing for you as a parent.

But temper tantrums are actually an opportunity for you to understand your child better and help them learn emotional regulation.

Why Do Temper Tantrums Occur?

Tantrums are (surprisingly!) a normal part of your child’s development.

Toddlers’ social and emotional skills are still developing. Their brains are immature and therefore don't yet have the ability to emotionally regulate and self-soothe. To do so, they need help from a parent/caregiver. So they resort to getting their needs met in the only way they know how—by screaming or crying.

Big emotions can be tough for adults to regulate—imagine how they feel to your young child!

The following can contribute to temper tantrums:

Overstimulation, hunger, tiredness, stress
Frustrating situations
Big emotions like shame, sadness, fear, or worry
Temperament

Toddlers (terrible twos) tend to express themselves in tantrums because their language skills are still developing.

Your two-year-old can’t clearly express what they need, want, or feel yet, and this can be incredibly frustrating for all parties involved. Emotional regulation and learning to cope with frustrating situations are skills that children develop over time. And you as a parent can help them work on these skills!

The good news? Tantrum frequency tends to decrease as your child’s ability to use language improves. Emotional identification and regulation are key in preventing and ending tantrums.

Here Are 7 Things You Can Do as a Parent to Help Prevent Tantrums:

1. Create a consistent schedule and routine.

Children thrive off of consistency. When your child knows what to expect from their day, they are much more likely to remain calm. Try giving your toddler a heads up before daily transitions, like, “In ten minutes it’s going to be time to put your toys away and get ready for bath time.”

2. Tune in to your child’s emotions and then help name those emotions.

Try phrases like, “You’re feeling disappointed right now because playtime is over, and that’s OK. But we still have to clean up.” Children, just like adults, long to feel seen, heard, and understood. When they sense that you understand what they are feeling, they are less likely to have a meltdown.

3. Identify tantrum triggers and establish boundaries.

Perhaps your toddler has a tantrum when you pay attention to your newborn. Try saying, “I need time with Ashley right now, and that makes you feel sad and worried. Can we read together after I’ve put her down for a nap?”

You aren’t rewarding the tantrum—your newborn still needs to be cared for! But you are letting your toddler know it’s OK to feel their feelings, and you are still going to do what you need to do. “Pick out the book you’d like to read together while I try to get Ashley to nap.”

4. Discuss emotions throughout the day.

Don’t wait until your child is upset to talk about emotions. Read books that explain and process feelings and ask questions that facilitate discussion. Try asking things like, “Why do you think he looks so worried? Is it because he is afraid of that dog getting so close to him?”

5. Plan ahead.

If you know tantrums are more likely to occur when your child is hungry, tired, stressed or overstimulated, do your best to plan for those types of situations.

Pack extra snacks, create a nap time routine and speak to your child about a stressful or tiring situation ahead of time. “Going to grandma’s house is really fun, but can also make you feel really tired. If you need quiet time while we’re there, let me know and we can sit quietly together. You can also take a nap in the car on the way home.”

6. Provide positive attention.

Notice when your child is being helpful, caring, or putting effort into learning something. Naming positive emotions and experiences is just as important as naming more difficult ones.

7. Give your child the ability to make small choices throughout the day.

Toddlers long to have agency, and not having it can be frustrating. Help your child foster healthy self-esteem and independence by giving them age-appropriate choices. “Would you like to wear your green or white shoes today?”

You won’t be able to prevent every tantrum, but creating a consistent routine, tuning in to your child’s emotions, identifying common tantrum triggers, and discussing emotions can help mitigate tantrum-causing stress.

And by planning ahead and providing your child with positive attention and small choices throughout the day, you’re providing them the space they need to develop healthy self-esteem, self-trust, and independence.

A Tantrum Is in Full Swing. Now What?

Tantrums happen. It’s not the end of the world, even though it might feel like it to both you and your child.

Depending on why your child is upset, you may need to alter your approach to handling the outburst. If your toddler might hurt himself or others during a tantrum, take him somewhere quiet to calm down. If he’s testing boundaries in a way that is unsafe (trying to turn on the stove, for example,) explain the dangers and remove him from the situation.

But if your toddler is simply overwhelmed, tired, or feeling big feelings they don’t know how to explain, try the following:

Help your toddler calm down by modeling appropriate behavior. Stay calm yourself (even though it might be really hard!)
Acknowledge their big feelings and again, help name those feelings. “Your little brother took your toy without asking. That makes you feel angry and upset.”
Offer to take some deep breaths together. “Let’s take some deep breaths together so we can feel calm. Then we choose what to do next.”
Be there for your toddler. At the end of the day, your job as a parent is to keep your children safe and create a space for them to express themselves. Over time, they will learn to do so in more effective, healthy ways.
Try not to judge yourself! Remember, tantrums are developmentally appropriate for toddlers. You’re not a bad parent if your kid has a tantrum. And they’re not a bad kid if they have one, either!

When Is Professional Help Advised?

Tantrums should become less frequent as your child approaches age 4 and has more self-control. But if your child has a mental health disorder, they may have more frequent, severe tantrums and professional intervention may be helpful.

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References

O’Donnell, L. (2018, June). Temper Tantrums. KidsHealth Blog. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html
Talking With Preschoolers About Emotions. Penn State Extension Blog. https://extension.psu.edu/programs/betterkidcare/early-care/tip-pages/all/talking-with-preschoolers-about-emotions
(2020, November). Temper tantrums in toddlers: How to keep the peace. Mayo Clinic Blog.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Respond. The Australian Parenting Website Blog.
https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums