Most of us reflect fondly on some of the friends that we had in our childhood. Whether it was a friend that lived just down the block that we biked to see every day or a friend we made at summer camp and have kept in touch with ever since. Friendships can be one of the sweetest parts of childhood.
Today, however, we are seeing more and more children struggle to establish and maintain healthy friendships. The pandemic and lockdowns drastically changed children’s social lives. For months on end, most children only interacted with their siblings or even no children at all.
Now, as many children have transitioned back to in-person learning and full daycare and preschool, they may have social skills to catch up on.
So, how do we help bridge this gap? Let’s dig into it.
Friendships Are Essential to Healthy Development
You know that a good friendship is good for the soul. You likely have people in your life who you don't know how you would live without.
It can be easy to forget that our children are really just little adults with all those same social and emotional needs. They long for connection and relationships with others just like we do.
Additionally, friendship has so many other benefits. Here are just a few:
Lower stress levels(1)
Providing a sense of belonging
Higher self-esteem
Encouraging good behavior
Good friendships can also help children develop social and emotional skills. Through conversations and interactions with their peers, they learn the rules of conversation.(2) They are also exposed to others’ viewpoints, learning how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Being around their peers also shows them what type of behavior is appropriate for their age and situation.
Studies have shown that children with high-quality friendships are more likely to perform well at school. This likely relates to friends helping a child feel comfortable, valued, and welcome in their classroom. Reliable friendships can also make big transitions, like from one grade to the next, easier.
The need for friendship and the benefits experienced by it are equal for boys and girls. We need to remember that boys need quality relationships and connections just as much as girls do.
On the flip side, there are significant challenges that come with not having good friends. More than 50% of children who have been referred for emotional-behavioral problems report having no friends.(4)
Trouble making friendships and keeping healthy relationships often carries into adulthood.(3) These social skills are ones that we need to be teaching our children early on so that they are set up for success.
Why Friendship in Childhood Can Be Difficult
Children lack the practice that adults have in interpersonal skills. They don’t always know how to read social cues and how to act in certain situations.(5)
Some children are a bit more shy and anxious and struggle to start friendships because of this. Other children haven’t yet learned good empathy skills and find it difficult to think about others and their feelings.
If your child is struggling to make friends, it could be for a variety of reasons. Sitting down and having a conversation with them is a great place to start. You can try to understand what they are feeling and experiencing. Then together, form a strategy to build and maintain friendships.
Maybe you need a few pointers to get you started. Here are some of my best tips for helping your child make friends.
8 Tips for Helping Your Child Make Friends
Model what good friendship looks like. Let them watch you make conversation with other adults and children. Tell them when you are reaching out to check on your friend or sending them a gift to brighten their day. Involve them in activities that you do with your friends.
Encourage friendships that are good for your child. You may be thinking, ‘I don’t even know who my child could be friends with.’ If so, this is the first place to start. Talk with your child to identify who they might like to be friends with. You could enlist the help of their teacher or another adult in their life to identify good friends. Then, put in the effort to schedule play dates and fun activities with that child. If you can’t find any particular friends that your child may enjoy, consider enrolling them in group activities, like ballet or football.
Recognize their personality and adjust to it. Every child is unique, just like every adult is unique. Some are introverted while others are extroverted. Some enjoy being in crowds and attending big events while others don’t. Recognize that your child (and their friends) may have a different idea of quality time together than you do. Adjust your activities and plans accordingly.
Role play with your child. Practice what they should say and do in certain situations. Let them practice introducing themselves and asking if the other child would like to play with them. Make conversation with them and guide it in a direction that it would typically go between two children, such as talking about their favorite toy or kind of ice cream.
Reinforce and praise them when they interact well with their peers. Especially in the first few years, you will likely be around for every one of your child’s social interactions. When you see them being kind, sharing, taking turns, and making conversation, praise them. Let them know that they are doing a great job.
Discuss and identify your child’s emotions. Help your child figure out what they are feeling and name it. Many childhood friendships suffer because of a lack of emotional awareness and emotional regulation. Giving your child the tools to manage their emotions will help them avoid this.
Help your child put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Empathy and compassion are essential to making relationships work. Children aren’t born with the ability to see things from another person’s perspective. We need to guide them and help them identify what other children are feeling and how to handle those feelings.
Demonstrate how to say sorry and make amends. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes your child is going to hurt someone else and sometimes your child is going to be the one that’s hurt. We need to demonstrate to our children not only how to apologize and ask forgiveness, but also how to forgive and set healthy boundaries.
Friendships can feel difficult and time-consuming to maintain at times. However, every human needs connection with other humans; it’s how we’re wired.
Before your children are fully independent in their social skills, they may need your help with this. That is totally normal and okay. Give them the tools and information they need and get ready to watch them succeed.
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